From Conflict to Connection: Top Books on Understanding Relationships

There's no substitute for living and learning, but books can help.

It's impossible to learn how to do life, relationships–or  anything, really–without trying things, making mistakes, and learning from your experiences.  

At the same time, there are many enlightening resources–books, movies, podcasts, and teachers–who can help you make sense of your experiences, offer helpful guidance and suggestions, and nudge you towards greater self-awareness, compassion, and curiosity.  

As a lifelong self-help and self-improvement enthusiast, I have a number of authors, teachers, trainers, and coaches whose work has helped me, and who I recommend to clients and friends who are looking for inspiration, solace, or strategy.  

Mama Gena, Pussy: A Reclamation

Mama Gena is a powerhouse and pioneer in women's spirituality and empowerment. She teaches women how to put pleasure at the center of their l

ives, using sensuality, sexuality, self-love and outrageousness to change their lives, relationships, and the world.  The title is provocative, and the material is not for the faint of heart!

Terry Real, The New Rules of Marriage

Terry Real is a Marriage therapist who's known for helping people in relationships take responsibility for maintaining healthy boundaries while creating connection.  He advocates for folks in relationships–especially women–to speak up for what they want and need (rather than complaining about not getting it) and helping their partner meet their needs.  He also has great strategies for repairing trust and connection after a fight or disagreement, which I use in practice with couples all the time. 

The Dance of Anger

This is a wonderful book for women about how to acknowledge and use anger in relationships.  She offers relatable case studies that you can superimpose on your own relationship challenges, demonstrating how to take responsibility for what you can control–namely, your own actions–to create relationships that are healthier and more satisfying. 

Codependent No More

This is a groundbreaking book about how to recognize and recover from codependency– obsession with controlling another's behavior, and letting another’s behavior significantly, negatively impact your life. While the idea of codependency originated as a way to understand the behaviors and struggles of the partners and loved ones of folks in active addiction, many people will recognize parts of themselves in this book. Ultimately, recovery entails setting and maintaining healthy emotional boundaries, and turning towards one's own self for care, attention, and healing.

Unbound: A Woman's Guide to Power

Kasia Ubaniak was a professional dominatrix and trained as a Daoist nun, experiences that taught her how to command power in relationships.  She teaches women how to focus attention by turns, inward–connecting to feelings and desires–and outward–directing and feeling into the experience of others.  This is high-level energetic mastery for those who wish to explore power dynamics and break free from  what she calls "good girl conditioning." 

Mating in Captivity

Ester Perel thoughtfully explores the challenge of maintaining the "spark" in long term relationships.  She illustrates a variety of relationship dynamics that can get in the way of passion and intimacy, and offers insights into how couples can reconcile their need for security and familiarity with the need for adventure and excitement, and reignite passion by embracing mystery, distance, and individuality.  

The Empowered Wife

This book is for women who want to learn what author Laura Doyle calls the six intimacy skills, which include practicing self-care, offering gratitude, receiving gifts and compliments  gracefully, being respectful, relinquishing control, and practicing vulnerability.   Some of what she says can feel dated and emotionally laborious. I recommend taking this one with a large grain of salt.  

All the Way to the River

A searing, brave and brutal account of the author's descent into and recovery from sex and love addiction, as well as an exploration of the ways that our culture sets us up to seek love, attention, validation and affection from others, without giving us skills to meet those needs for ourselves in ways that are healthy and sustainable.   

There are so many wise and generous authors, artists and teachers who bravely share their wisdom, passion and life experience.  It's possible to grow, change, and evolve with the help of some of the ideas that they share.  

These resources are a great starting point, and small shifts can lead to big changes.  We explore many of these themes more deeply in therapy.  If you'd like more personalized support, please reach out to schedule a conversation about how therapy can help. 

You can get in touch with me at molly@mollyguidette.com, or 541-246-7150.