"Good girls don't get angry"

Common misunderstandings about anger

Maybe you've told yourself, "I should just get over it," or, "He/she/they didn't mean it, I'm just too sensitive," or, "I'm not angry, I'm frustrated/ sad/ hurt/ disappointed?"

So you stuff it down, maybe have a little cry in the shower, bang dishes around in the sink, go for an especially vigorous run.  Or, yell at the kids, break a coffee mug on the kitchen floor, threaten divorce?

And the emotion you're feeling, the anger and rage that want to be felt, expressed, and alchemized into action that moves you forward, becomes stuck in your body and mind, and things continue on as before.  

Why anger gets bypassed

When I see couples who struggle with conflict, avoidance, and disconnection, I know there is anger present. Sometimes it is in full view–rage, blame, ceaseless arguments that solve nothing.  Other times, the anger is subterranean–simmering resentment, secret, subtle sabotage, a clenched jaw, a knot in the belly.

Women often downgrade their anger–it's "frustration," "irritation," or "annoyance."  Many of us–especially girls and women, but many boys and men too–are taught to disown, deny, and disconnect from our anger.  Anger isn't "nice," "kind," or "sweet," and it certainly isn't pretty.   We are taught to be pleasing, accommodating, and considerate.  Of course, there's nothing wrong with any of those qualities, when they are in balance and authentic.

What makes us so uncomfortable about claiming anger is that to fully experience it, we have to admit we want something different–and this is not something that will be satisfied with shopping, scrolling, drinking, or otherwise mindlessly checking out. 

Anger is a ferocious No, a boundary, a declaration of what is not wanted.  It is a clear signal that something is not okay.  And it is crucial to accept and welcome anger, along with all the other emotions, and allow it to be a teacher.  Beneath the anger, beneath the no, what is the desire?  Instead of what is, what is wanted?  This is the key to getting what we want–in relationships, and in life.  

If you are angry at your partner for not doing their share of household chores, maybe the desire is to have a partnership based on mutual support, enthusiastic co-creation of a harmonious and beautiful home, and time to rest, relax and enjoy your space.  If you are angry about the state of the world, maybe the desire is to have a clean, safe, healthy community/ nation/ planet, and peace of mind, knowing that all beings have what they need to thrive.

Instead of bringing curiosity to anger, we are taught to be grateful for what we have, expect less, let go, and move on.  

And so we swallow the anger, and return to our roles.  We smile and carry on, while resentment builds, and relationships wither.  

How experiencing and expressing anger helps you create healthier relationships and get free

We can be simultaneously grateful for what we have and still want more: more money, a clean bathroom, a clean planet, health and freedom for all children, affordable, quality childcare, the ability to work less, a vacation, a friend who listens, a night out, a hug.

Our desires are important, and it's important that we're able to communicate those desires with the people closest to us.  Everyone's list of desires is going to be different.  What is important is to honor your desires as valid. 

How to transform anger into healing

If you're angry, make some time to allow yourself to feel this emotion, and welcome it into your body.  Notice the stories you are telling, and be willing to interrogate them. This is not the place to give in to what author and couples therapist Terry Real calls "unbridled self-expression:" yelling at the kids, breaking things, trying to control everyone and everything.  "Venting" anger by blowing up at people--whether loved ones or the teller at the bank--does nothing to dispel anger, and can actually increase feelings of rage and powerlessness.  

This is a time to meet your anger with gentleness, curiosity, and even love.  Allow yourself to experience the emotion in your body. Honor the movement of energy with expression–yelling, screaming (not at someone, but simply vocalizing emotion), jumping up and down, beating a pillow, punching a punching bag, swinging a towel, bat, or club (safely).  It can help to play music that reflects your emotions.  Give yourself permission to feel it all the way through–it only takes a minute or two.   

Write down everything you are not okay with–everything that is wrong and that you want to be different.  

Then ask: what do I want instead?  Listen carefully to the answer, and write that down as well.  You may be surprised at what you learn about what you truly desire.

Listening to anger softens this powerful emotion, and opens the door to change

Anger is not a "bad" emotion, but a guide.  When we get clear about what is unwanted, we make space to claim what is.  

It may be uncomfortable at first to greet anger, but the more you allow yourself to experience the full range of your emotions, the more likely you are to create a life that you love. 

Support for couples, families and individuals who struggle with "difficult" emotions

If you would like support in using your anger to create healthier relationships and a more fulfilling life, please reach out to schedule a free consultation.  I'd love to help you find your way back to yes.  

It takes a lot of energy pretending to be "fine"