An open letter to the woman who's thinking about walking away

(...or getting back on the apps)

You want to have a relationship that makes you feel cherished, valued, special, and loved.  

But you find yourself feeling ignored, taken for granted, and uncared for.  Like the only thing you're appreciated for is what you do.

Or worse, you're begging for scraps of affection, fighting, and thinking about how much easier it would be to be on your own.  

You know relationships take work, and you've read the books, listened to the podcasts, and tried to get them to talk about it.  You've let them know that you're not getting your needs met, and that they need to show up for you, or this isn't going to work.  

Maybe it gets a little better, for a little while, until things go back to the way they've been, and you're feeling lonely, hurt and resentful again.  

In my work as a couples therapist, I see this a lot.  I've experienced it myself.  

Intimate relationships can bring up your oldest emotional wounds.  And, you may not have had the best models for what healthy relationships looked and felt like.  

You may think that if you could just get them to change, to show up for you in the way that you need, you would be able to relax, and feel cared for, and not be so damn frustrated all the time. 

So you keep asking, and pushing, and requesting, and communicating, and picking up slack, and trying to make them happy, in the hopes that they'll get it, and see how hard you're working.  

And that finally, they'll see that you're worthy of the love, affection and care that you crave, and they'll give it to you.  

And the response you get from your partner is more withdrawal, more shut down, and more disconnection.

When you're used to being the one who supports, or even carries the relationship, and makes sure you're meeting your partner's needs all the time–sometimes at the expense of your own–it makes sense that you're exhausted, resentful, and thinking of walking away. 

And.  There is another way to be.  In your relationship, and in your life.   

Feeling anxious and insecure in your relationship is not an accident.  It's a program that has been running for a long time, an old story about who you need to be, in order to be loved and accepted.  

When this program was installed, it was called safety, and it helped you get your needs met.  Now, it keeps running, even when the entire system is ready for an upgrade.  It's not bad, or wrong, but it may no longer be useful.  

Asking these questions (and journaling the answers) may help:

What would it feel like, to trust that my partner's mood is about them, and not me or the relationship?  

How would it be to trust them to manage their emotional state, instead of taking it on as my own?  

What would need to shift, for me to prioritize my own well-being first, and the needs of my partner or the relationship, second?  

Who would I need to be, to have a relationship with someone who is strong, present, and emotionally available?

You don't have to stop being caring, loving, or supportive.  You can be present without being derailed by your partner's emotions. 

You don't have to pretend that you're not anxious, when you are.  You get to ask for reassurance, and be clear about what you desire.  You get to have a relationship that feels good, and makes you happy.  Most likely, your partner wants that, too.  

If this feels familiar, you are not alone. 

What you are going through is painful, and it makes sense that you are struggling.  

If you'd like to learn how to shift this pattern, you're welcome to reach out.  

I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and I help people struggling with this and other relationship challenges all the time.

You can email me here.